With my increase in weight loss I have also has an increase in attention from the opposite sex. I have to admit it is nice to be admired again after years of being a fat chick. How does one handle this attention especially when you like it but have no interest in crossing that line?? I love my husband very much! I hope this phase passes quickly - where it is not so novel! It is playing with fire! I want to stand a safe distance away where it makes me feel warm and nice but far enough away so I don't burst into flames!
Today is my niece Laura's birthday. If she was alive she would be 20 years old. She died unexpectedly just after her 11th birthday. I do not know how long grief can last but I still feel the pain especially on holidays, her birthday and the anniversary of her death. I try to think of the positives of her life - the fun she was, how she loved pizza and swimming in the pool. She loved my horses and would ride day and night if we would let her. I remember her long dark hair and her beautiful skin. She loved to enter a room and exclaim "Give a Kid a Cookie!" She was so funny! With her death she saved at least 6 other children with her organs. This is the one and only bright spot of her death. Do me a favor and give your kids a big hug today! I will always miss my Baby Cakes.
Think of Laura by Christopher Cross
Every once in a while I'd see her smile And she'd turn my day around A girl with those eyes Could stare through the lies And see what your heart was saying
Think of Laura but laugh don't cry I know she'd want it that way When you think of Laura laugh don't cry I know she'd want it that way
A friend of a friend A friend to the end That's the kind of girl she was Taken away so young Taken away without a warning
I know you and you're here In every day we live I know her and she's here I can feel her when I sing
Hey Laura, where are you now Are you far away from here I don't think so I think you're here Taking our tears away
No matter how much weight I have lost it is hard to lose the weight in my brain. My friends tell me I am looking tiny! WTF? I still see the same old fat me. When does a persons brain start to lose the weight? My brain wants to hold on to that excess baggage like a mirage. The mirage of the past is still shimmering in my minds eye. Even as I pull on my size 10 jeans, the shimmering mirage just sees the fat. When does the mirage vanish? When can my FAT head accept that the fat is gone and gone forever? When I was at my heaviest I never could understand the skinny beeoocches who cried "FAT" as they put on their size 10 jeans. I thought they were nuts!! They were just digging for compliments but alas here I am one of "THOSE" girls. Now people kid me about only eating a half a cracker with a schmere...and I just think they are crazy because I have a "FAT" head!! What size must I be before I think "thin"??
I updated my weight loss today and discovered that I am now down 93 pounds which is the equivalent of one Hollywood Starlet! Well maybe one large Hollywood Starlet! hahaha I am just glad that beeoch is gone! I really was tired of carrying her around! I cannot believe how much better I feel now!! Yay!!
Yesterday I received the news that I will get a salary cut of 20%. That goes along with an extra day off - Friday! Now how can I turn a Friday off into an opportunity? I am thinking of ways to make Friday fun and rewarding! I have applied for a few jobs off of Craigslist for part time positions. I want to earn enough to cover my riding lessons so I can continue to take them without getting the big stink eye from my husband! The dieting did not go very well yesterday - I fell off the wagon for a moment and had a medium chocolate shake. It was on the way home and I was stressed out from my friend getting let go. I hope he finds something soon. Yesterday was a mixed bag for me as far as emotions. I spoke with a dear old friend that I had not spoken with in years. He and I reminisced about old times. It was so fun to hear his voice and get caught up with the goings on in his world. So actually it with the turmoil of the day just falling off the wagon with a chocolate milkshake is probably OK! It wasn't a full pig out of a gallon of ice cream....still taking baby steps!
Felling joy again from an activity that my previous weight kept me from participating in was unexpected and powerful. I rode a horse again on Thursday in an hour long lesson. I have not ridden in years even though through most of those years I actually owned horses. I was too fat, tired, slow and sluggish. I did not want to subject my lovely mares to hauling my a$$ around! Finally, with the hard work of weight loss I was able to feel good about getting back on a trusty steed. I rode for a good hour with a trainer at a lovely old barn near my home. It was THRILLING!!! I rode better than I thought I could - I guess it is sort of like riding a bicycle - you never forget. It was great. The only mishap was on the dismount when I was sliding off the back of this extremily large Percheron cross - my feet hit the ground and my brain received an emergency transmission from my thighs! "We are sorry to inform you that we are now made of jello!!!' They sort of collapsed and on to the ground I went! The trainer ran over to me, the Percheron cross Sampson looked curiously at me as I sit on the ground and I sat there feeling no injury - just happy!! I cannot wait until my next class. I cried with joy when I told my husband about my class. I drove over to my friends house tell her all about the class. I hope that she will join me with a lesson soon!
I think I have found a partial solution to my salsa and chip cravings. I found some multigrain tortila chips. I was afraid they would not taste good but I actually like them better than regular corn tortilla chips. They have such a nice flavor! Anyway I can have my salasa and chips with a lot fewer feelings of guilt and that my dear friends is a good thing!!